i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
