We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
