Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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