I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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