My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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