Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
