Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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