his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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