I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
