And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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