Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
