how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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