We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My feet surprised me
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
