she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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