Where are you?
In a non slutty way
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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