Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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