Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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