A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
