i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
