ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
