someone threw a dead crab at me
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
