I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
