how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize