I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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