I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she pinky promised me she was 18
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
