i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Sext me about skeletons
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
