The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
