i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize