She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
