so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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