dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize