apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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