I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
