Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
