i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
