I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
