Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
