I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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