A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
