I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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