You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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