You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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