I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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