Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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