i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
