i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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