She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
