I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
