Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
