I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
