My underwear smells like fireworks.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
soo... how was my night?
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