hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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