im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
