You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
