i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
