my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
