Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
