Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
