Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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