i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
