I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
